Wailuku [
Pl Sugar ]Plantation 1866
Island of Maui, Sandwich Islands, May 7.
Dear Bill—
I have been mad at you so long that the old anger has about spent itself & I begin to feel friendly again. But you ought to have your d—d neck broken anyhow, my boy.1
I expected to be in the States long before this, but things fell out otherwise. I contracted with the Sacramento Union to go wherever they chose & correspond for a few months, & I had a sneaking notion that they would start me east—but behold how fallible is human judgment!—they sent me to the Sandwich Islands. I look for a recall by the next mail, though, because I have written them that I cannot go all over the eight inhabited islands of the group in less than five months & do credit to myself & them, & I don’t want to spend so much time. I have been here two months, & yet have only “done” the island of Oahu & part of this island of Maui, & by it is going to take me two weeks more to finish this one & at least a month to “do” the island of Hawaii & the great volcanoes—& by that time, surely, I can hear from them.
But I have had a gorgeous time of it so far. I wish you & Sam2 were here. We would sail from Island to island for a year & have a merry hell of a time. We would get more invitations from sea captains. Honolulu is a great stopping point for ships, & during the month I was there I was invited to go to every blamed place on the habitable globe, I think. The last was from the captain of a [ nic fine ]ship,—he was going round the world—& if either of you bilks had been here I would have thrown up my berth & gone with him.
I have seen a fellow here that you & I knew in Hannibal in childhood—named Martin—he was a carpenter; here he came here busted a year ago & called himself the Wizard of the East & gave a sleight of hand entertainment,—& it was the d—dest [ sli sleight ]of hand entertainment you ever heard of. He tried to shoot a pocket handkerchief into an a closed oyster-can, & he pretty nearly shot the d—d head off of a Kanaka spectator. None of his apparatus would work. He had a learned pig, ‸which he gave out could speak 7 languages,‸ too—a striped learned pig. He told me he caught that hog in the extinct crater of Haleakala, 10,000 feet above the level of the sea, where the son of a sea horse had been running wild for three generations; he brought him down here into the valley, shaved him close, painted stripes on him with [ id iodine], ‸& then greased him,‸ & advertised that he would give any person in the audience ten dollars ‸who‸ would come into the ring & catch the pig & hold him two minutes. A big brawny Kanaka & a gigantic Missourian each got the hog by a hind leg, & the brute held on, notwithstanding the grease, but the hog turned & bit a square meal out of the Kanaka & made him let go, & then started, & took the bold Missourian straight through the audience, squealing, & upsetting people & benches, & raising more hell, & scaring women to death, & broke for high ground on Haleakala, & neither he nor the Missourian were ever heard of afterwards—& Martin wasn’t for some time, for in the melee he took his little cash-box & “shoved.” He says he likes to live here, “because,” says he, “when I’m busted I can go through a Kanaka lord of the soil; & when I can’t do that, I can always rig a purchase to swindle one of them d—d Missionaries.” I am of the opinion that Mr Martin [ a is ]a brick.3
I wouldn’t write you so much about Martin, only I haven’t anything else to write about—except the islands, & that is cash, you know, & goes in the [“Union.”]
Give my regards to my Christian friends, ‸Sam & Bart especially‸ & drop me a line to San Francisco, “Care of Occidental Hotel.”4
Yr old friend
Sam L. Clemens.
Explanatory Notes | Textual Commentary
Source text(s):
Previous publication:
L1, 338–341; MTLBowen, 11–12.
Provenance:The University of Texas acquired the facsimile from Royden Burwell Bowen, son
of William Bowen, about 1940 (MTLBowen, 10).
Emendations and textual notes:
Pl Sugar • [‘Su’ over ‘Pl’]
nic fine • [‘fine’ over doubtful ‘nic’]
sli sleight • slieight [‘e’ over ‘i’]
id iodine • idodine [‘o’ over ‘d’]
a is • [‘i’ over ‘a’]
“Union.” • [possibly italicized, but what might be an underscore appears more likely to be a crossbar mistakenly written by Clemens across ‘h’ in ‘Christian’ (340.7) in the line below, presumably under the momentary impression that it was a ‘t’]